A Psalm of Lament

What once glistened is now dull.
What once lifted my heart, is locked away.
It is locked by fear, by discouragement.

 

My bedside sees just my shadows,
Always moving in and out
Never falling to my knees. To that place.

 

There, the vessel tasted streams of water.
It was there the vessel carried precious jewels.
That clay vessel was brought before the King.
In His courts it remained.

 

It was there that God first spoke dreams and visions and a future over me.
That place where faith was within reach, where hope was a breath away.

 

But now, I see the vessel, is but clay.

 

Where are the plans you had for me, God?
Wasn’t I your songbird?
Didn’t my worship bring you pleasure?
Wasn’t it going to break chains, set people free, show others Your love?

 

Why did you forget me?

 

God, make me a willing vessel.
All the days of my life.
To be brought before the King, or to be broken.
Let me be used by You.
Let your streams of life ever flow through me.
Let your Word be the treasure I carry.
Let my voice ever resound for the one who makes me sing.
Let it sing of your faithfulness, justice, love, and forgiveness forevermore.

 

Unlock those desires once again, God! Release your Spirit once again over this dry soul.

 

I will worship You, not for promises or for a future, but because You are worthy of every breath, every note, every movement and every moment.

 

I will worship You because I am Your redeemed.  I will worship you because on my knees is where I found life. Let me start living once again. Let me start singing once again. Always, and only for You, my King.

Senior Sharing

God is big, and you are small.

So start living life the way it was meant to be lived.

God is big, and you are small.

So let go of the things that grip your life and affect the way you walk…you talk…you dream…

God is big, and you are small.

So open your eyes to see who is really in control.

Start believing the things you’ve been singing&speaking&praying
…that He is good, and He’s not going to let you fall

God is big, and you are small.

So give Him ALL you got.

Your doubt
Your fear
Your anger
Your future
Your PMS
Your stress
Your tests
Your big upsets

Lay it down before the big mountain that is love Himself &

look  up.

Because once you do,You’ll start

seeingincolor, livingforothers, rememberingtoday instead of clingingtotomorrow,

Finding hope in brokenness
Joy in sadness
Peace in madness

If there is ONE thing you get in your college career, let it be a

perspective  shift.

And even if that’s all, at least you’ll know that

God is big, and you are small.

Is This Seriously Happening?

In two days, I will be in Cancun.

Mexico.

Cancun. Me. In two days. Cancun. Free. Is this seriously happening? Let me tell you about my day:

Background: started a new marketing internship this week in Carlsbad. Three month commitment. $100/week stipend. It’s been a hard first week, and I didn’t see how difficult the transition from college to the working world would be. I went from being a full time bum/house cleaner/friend/mentor/SD tourist to sitting at a desk for half the day. Lots of questions about  my future and purpose and God’s plan have been coming up, especially as I know that I do  not want to be doing marketing for the rest of my life.

Today I found out that I don’t get paid the first two weeks. I dunno why it hit me so hard, but I held back tears and went back to researching ads we could use on our website. For a second, I felt like I had been taken advantage of…like I was selling myself..like I was just played and little naive me that puts too much trust in people just got duped.

I cried the whole drive home (all 30 minutes). Cried not just sniffling, but friggin crying out to God asking Him what the heck was going on. I ASKED Him if I should take this position, and He didn’t tell me anything! He didn’t say yes or no and I was trying to grow up and be a big kid and use the wisdom He’s given me to make a decision, and this is what I get? Why couldn’t He have just helped me say no? Why didn’t He just give me a full time job right off the bat? Why didn’t He throw opportunity in my face after I graduated?? I’m His daughter right!? I’m royalty!? I’m a friggin PRINCESS.

Yeah, I was acting like a brat.

I finally repented and prayed…still a little mopey, but understanding that I just have to be faithful and trust that God really is taking care of me and has my best interests in mind. If this internship weren’t a good thing, He would have closed the door. Guaranteed.

Then the phone rings. It’s my mama, asking me if my passport is expired. Uh…another long story short: cousin needs someone to go to Cancun with her, and my mom can’t go cuz her passport is expired, so I’m next in line. Parents said they’d buy me a ticket for graduation, Dora said I can miss Sunday meeting, Joanne is leading worship this Wed, sent an email to my boss asking if we can pick up the internship when I’m back from my free vacation. Is this seriously happening?

When I prayed again, I felt completely humbled and so small before God. A couple hours earlier I was yelling and crying in the car, and now I just sat before this huge God who shook His head. I felt like He was saying…of course I can do this. Of course I can give you everything you need and desire, but is that what you really want? I can totally give you a job that pays lots of money, but then what? I saw my sin, my idolatry, my lack of trust and disbelief that the God of the universe who made me cared for me and would actually provide for me. I don’t deserve anything. I don’t deserve a vacation, but He gave me one. I don’t deserve His attention, but He listens to me. I don’t deserve His forgiveness, yet He showers me with grace anyways. I don’t deserve His love, but He died for me.

When Jesus was on the cross, the people mocked him, quoting Psalm 22. They said- Let God rescue him..Let God deliver him since He delights in him. God did deliver Jesus. God saw Jesus through death, and led him to the other side. God’s delight and love for Jesus was shown by being with Jesus in the midst of the darkest, hardest moment. In my hard moment, I assumed God wasn’t around. I assumed He wasn’t listening and He wasn’t loving me because suddenly things got hard. This is some crazy love that makes me understand what it means to fear God.

I have so much to learn.

Dreams Come True

It’s so insane that it’s already senior year…and it’s even more insane that there are only four more weeks of school. Which means only two more times of leading worship at IV.

Joanne and I have been praying for 3.5 years for God to move in specific ways in worship, and it’s so awesome to see how God is making that happen…even if it’s in the last couple weeks of school =). It started with Spring Retreat. Every night worship was building up until the last night when Joanne led, and the Spirit moved like crazyyy. People were dancing..and not just like swaying side to side but straight up legit dance moves dancing. We could feel the floor shaking cuz so many people were moving around and engaging with worship. It wasn’t just the dancing that we were praying for, but for people to just be FREE in the presence of God. Be free to engage however they want to engage. There was such a genuine spirit in the room that night, you knew that so many people were intimately meeting God. It was awesome.

Last night we had a praise and worship night where IV partnered with CYUAG (a black youth group on campus, most of them from the church Grace Covenant). After weeks of crazy planning and stress and then peace and then a little more stress, God brought everything together. Three hours of praise, worship, spoken word, testimonies under the stars on sungod lawn. It was beautiful, powerful, moving, uncomfortable, cold, hot, all of the above and everything else. It was awesome having different worship styles (I love Brandon & the Grace Cov worship team!!) and seeing people get out of their comfort zone and just worship. There was a lady from Grace Covenant church in the front row that held hands with one of our IV kids every time they worshipped. It was powerful and awesome to see and exactly what the event was intended to do.

The coolest part hands down was seeing people jump and dance during Did You Feel? And You are Good. AND that as we ended with You Are Good, we just broke out into a dance party. Dancing, riffing off of the bridge, and everyone on stage/the audience did the electric slide haha =). We had a joint team for You Are Good and it was so much fun working off of the singers, being free vocally, dancing, freestyling and just enjoying UNITY, enjoying the presence of God, enjoying a Friday night where we can people with family and just love on our Father. It brought me so much joy to see the crowd just being free and moving in joy. A memory I will seriously never forget, and God making my dreams come true.

Afterwards I was talking to my friend Jes, and she said, “Caroline, I remember the time when you were the only one jumping.” I laughed because I remember those days too haha, and this was an amazing sight to see. It was awesome to see God fulfilling the desires I had for worship for this community.

Only two more weeks to lead worship, but I know God can still do some crazy things in that time =).

A Quiz :)

You’re looking at the newest UCSD Graduate: Communciations Major/Music Minor. I was so stoked today when I turned in my last paper ever. I shared my excitement with every person I ran into that I recognized, and even with random people at work who I see regularly.

The minute I turned in my paper, I texted some people I love that get unlimited texting. A short quiz in honor of the end of my undergraduate education. Guess the responses =).

Me: I’M DONE!! YAY!! I’M A UCSD GRADUATE!! HOORAY HOORAY HOORAY HOORAY! let’s party.

1. (phone call)

2. Get faded.

3. Omg That was a faaaaast final!!!!! Congrats!!!!!

4. yayyy!!!

5. Ok what u wanna do

6. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! hooooooooooraaaaayyyyy. What are u gonna do?????? What is your first celebratory move???!

A. Jaronium

B. Michelle

C. Jenniper

D. Grace

E. Romin

F. Joe Lee

If you get it right, you get to hang out with me next quarter cuz I have nothing to do!

My Refuge.

Safe- Phil Wickham

To the one whose dreams are falling all apart 
And all you’re left with is a tired and broken heart 
I can tell by your eyes you think your on your own 
but you’re not all alone 

Have you heard of the One who can calm the raging seas 
Give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet 
With a love so strong He’ll never let you go 
oh you’re not alone 

You will be safe in His arms 
You will be safe in His arms 
‘Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart 
This is the promise He made 
He will be with You always 
When everything is falling apart 
You will be safe in His arms 

Did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life 
Is the very same voice that calls you to rise 
So hear Him now He’s calling you home 
You will never be alone 

These are the hands that built the mountains 
the hands that calm the seas 
These are the arms that hold the heavens 
they are holding you and me 

These are hands that healed the leper 
Pulled the lame up to their feet 
These are the arms that were nailed to a cross 
to break our chains and set us free

 

 

My heart.

Oh Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know me better than anyone on this planet. You know my heart, my mind, when I sit when I rise. He sees my heart and knows my thoughts. Before I can even utter a word, you know my heart. You are closer than a friend. You discern my going out and my coming in. There is no where I can run from your presence. Not my closet, not my bed, not the park. Even when I am alone you are still there. Your hand will guide me and hold me. You will never let me go. Even when I hide in the dark, thinking I have escaped you, your presence surrounds me. Even when I bury myself in my emotions and my feelings, you are there. Darkness has nothing on you. You shine brighter than the day. You created my inmost being. The parts of me that I hide; the parts of me I’m scared of; the parts of me that are hurt. You know me inside and out. So I will praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. You took time on me. There is intentionality behind my personality, my laugh, my looks, my desires, my hopes, my dreams. My frame wasn’t hidden from you when you made me. You saw my unformed body, my life, my future, every moment of every day of my life you saw it, before even one of them came to be. You saw this moment that I am in right now. You saw where I am right now. How precious to me are your thoughts, oh God. And to think that you are thinking of me so much, all the time. I’ve never known a love like that. Your thoughts for me outnumber the grains of sand. That’s insane. What are you thinking about? =) If only you would slay the wicked, God. If only you would break these chains. If only you would destroy every work of the enemy, everything that is coming against me, everything weighing on my heart. I’m on your side, God. I choose you. Nothing else. Search me and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me into the everlasting. That’s where I want to be. Contigo para siempre.

Tipping is a City in China

It is depressing to see my tip jar empty at work. It’s so big. And pennies are so small. Apparently my charm, friendly smile (which can’t be mistaken for anything other than friendly since I have braces), weird ability to remember peoples’ names, and interacting with children gets me nothing. Maybe a smile in return. Good thing I’m not doing it for the money. =) Kids are cute. 

Someone today DID tip me when I least expected it. He came asking why we don’t have Pepsi anymore, to which I replied, “Oh we usually do, but I guess we’re out today.” Tip Man: “You haven’t had any since the beginning of September.” Me: “Haha yeah.” 

Then in my head I just processed what he said, and didn’t have time to repair the damage that was already done. Everything else passed too quickly. The next thing I know, he’s out the door and left me with the change to his order (fity cents). I tried telling him on the way out, but then realized that he was leaving it for me (awkward moment number 2). He probably felt sorry for me. 

Sometimes people tip me when there’s really nice foam on my drinks, but one of my faithful customers tips me just because. I almost feel bad now that I’ve built a relationship with her. I should be hooking her up! Not charging her more! And I actually like her. 

My mom tipped me once. I don’t feel like expanding on that. 

In other news, I made the most amazing blended spiced chai today. The consistency was PERFECT, like better than any blended drink I’ve had….to the point where I surprised myself and considered selling the recipe to frou frou coffee places. They would appreciate my concoction. But then I realized I didn’t put milk in the drink. Yes, a big faux pas (btw party foul does not directly translate to faux pas. I tried). Then it made sense why it was so thick and sweet and why I only filled my cup halfway. It was delicious, but pretty friggin sweet. I can only take one sip every half an hour. It’s been an hour and I already feel sick. I will not share the recipe with anyone. 

Back to business.

Explanation.

I thought I should explain the random stories/emo posts. I committed to regularly posting in this blog to improve my writing and grow the baby “artist” in me. Funny enough, lately when I feel the need to express my emotions, it’s too late to sing without pissing off everyone that lives around me, and journaling by hand takes too long. Sometimes I don’t know how to express exactly what I’m feeling, but to me it makes sense in these stories. 

I’m not posting them because I think they’re amazing, life altering or mind boggling…but more for disciplines sake. So…enjoy =). And if you don’t like it, then just read jen’s blog.

The Chalk Drawing

The rain came and washed it away. 

The masterpiece I drew on the wall. My heart that I carefully etched on those bricks. The excitement moved my fingers. The anticipation of the outcome carried the chalk in my hands. The result was beauty. Then the rain came. The colors melted together, and each piece of dust ran to the ground, almost escaping the water’s grip. Everything became a blur in the midst of the fog and rain. The cries of the dust were overhwelmed by the sound of the rain against the pavement. Snapping then sweeping then clapping and pounding. The rain came down hard. The colors swayed in a stream down the alley, around the corner of the sidewalk and into the drain. Their movement mimicking the flow and ease of a waltz. The water gracefully carried them to their end. Each piece of dust longingly looked at the bricks before falling into the dark abyss. 

The wall is empty where my picture once stood.